Chronic Illness and Unsolicited Health Advice: Setting Boundaries Without Burning Bridges
Let’s be honest…everyone loves to tell you about their friend’s cousin’s boyfriend who tried yoga and how it magically cured his chronic pain.
We love that for him, but often unsolicited health advice leaves us feeling dismissed and exhausted.
Because yes, maybe yoga could help…but if you’ve tried every possible treatment, those comments can bring shame (like you’ve failed at healing) and leave you feeling misunderstood and alone.
And it’s especially hard if the person giving said advice is someone you care about. How do you navigate this without losing it and burning bridges?!
How to Deal with Unsolicited Health Advice
There are two options on the table for dealing with unsolicited health advice:
Option 1: Become unhinged and let them have a piece of your mind. No holding back. Spew it out.
While Option 1 might feel a little good in the moment, it often disappoints in the long run. Because Option 1 couldn’t care less about protecting your relationship. It’s a fight-or-flight response aimed at throwing a sucker punch. It might also leave you feeling inauthentic or out of alignment with your values (Eg., If you value integrity, respect, or kindness, Option 1 won’t align with those values).
On the other hand, there’s Option 2: Set boundaries that honor your capacity, while protecting your relationship and living in authentic alignment with your values.
What this is NOT: It’s not feeling like you have to be an open book. It’s not feeling like you have to share every detail, diagnosis, treatments tried, etc. It’s not owing someone the detail of a very vulnerable and painful journey.
What this IS: It’s choosing who you share information with and how much information (or the level of vulnerability) you feel comfortable sharing. It’s knowing you have the choice to say, “hanging in there”, instead of providing a mini Ted Talk update when asked how you’re doing. It’s about being able to say, “Thank you for the idea about yoga, but I’m all set” without feeling resentment or bitterness.
A Few Things About Boundaries from One Spoonie to Another…
Boundaries are not set in stone, meaning they’re a spectrum of options and can be adjusted as needed.
If we have increased trust and feel safe to express vulnerability, maybe we feel comfortable sharing more. Maybe this helps us identify our support system for bad pain days.
If we’ve noticed that someone keeps trying to cross our boundaries, we can honor their capacity by adjusting our boundaries. Maybe we can change the subject when health advice comes up, or maybe we can be more direct. But if we find ourselves burning bridges when our health is misunderstood, we might find ourselves exiled on an island of isolation.
If we’re just having a hard day, maybe we don’t want to open up. And that’s also ok.
You Don’t Have to Be an Open Book if You’re Chronically Ill
You can decide how much, how little, and what you want to share. And you are allowed to change your mind on what this looks like at any time.
Cut yourself some slack. Hold your head up. Take it one day at a time.
